What do you think about when you walk?

There was a day that I almost lost it, a very difficult day with lots of constant rain. As a way of distracting myself from an uncomfortable and unpleasant reality, I withdrew into my thoughts, and decided that I would post a chunk of them in a blog post later on, as an answer to the often-asked question "What do you think about when you walk?" Strangely enough, I remember much of my thought process for most of the walk, and after some editing, have presented it here in the order I thought it out. So here goes, my first attempt at stream-of-consciousness writing.

The original Blog Post
The Album

Are you forgetting anything passport wallet gps mp3 camera chapstick toiletries nope all there leave the keys on the inside she said close the door last chance sure I didn't forget anything? well too late now. GPS on, what am I looking at today, do I have a signal shit it's really raining hard, this thing takes forever patience pat there it is 19 miles but looks pretty roundabout, I'll ask when I get down the hill. Deep breath, ready for some rain?

This is going to be a long day - has the water entered my shoes yet? Let's tighten the drawstring on the hood, that's better, oops there goes my left foot I wonder why it's always the first to soak through does that mean I step harder with my left or distribution problems or bad posture or maybe because I always walk on the left side and the road puddles on the sides who knows? There goes the right, geez I've only gone 50 meters - remember to put that in the post, but convert to yards then feet, pretty much the same - what is it again? 1 in=2.54 cm 1.00/2.54, 30x2 + 30x.5 is 75 too low, 40x2 + 40x.5 = 100 so a little over 36 inches and under 40 close enough to say 3 feet to a meter, so 150 feet.

Where am I going? Lean forward, cover the GPS, I'm surprised it hasn't broken from all the water that's landed on it. Left-right-left-left too complicated, I'll just eye it and let my nose lead me. Hey wow awesome view should I risk getting the camera wet? Here's an overhang, will the picture still come out ok? Hate this new camera, damn it - hey look a cactus growing out of an abandoned house, don't slip down the stairs now, hey someone added 4-inch wide 4x2.54 = 8+.2 8.2 cm concrete ramps on these stairs I wonder why? Wheeling up a cart, driving up a moto? Depends when they did it I guess

Wow that's a fat yellow lab - is he friendly? Don't show fear pat, smile and show him you're friendly - where's his master? Too well-fed to be a stray hi big guy, yeah you're sure happy, even in the rain, huh? Time to give you a good scratch - what am I going to do with all this hair sticking to me and nowhere to wash off oh well that's what the rain is for, one more scratch, don't lean on me too hard now boy, I hope his master doesn't mind - ok buddy time to go, see you later - no, don't follow, I can't take care of you, that's a good guy, ok one last rub, now I gotta go, man I wish I had a dog on this walk, but what would I do with one? Better not think about it, you have enough trouble by yourself...

Geez, so many steps, so much water, look cactus fruit should I grab one, they're ripe no too much bother with the rain gotta keep moving, long day anyway. Roundabout, which way, GPS says left but I wanna see Nicotera marina, turn right, now I have to cancel the navigation or else this thing won't shut up. Wow my feet are really soaked now, avoid the puddle, car, car, car can they even see me? Let's put on some music when there's an overhang to protect the player shit I needed to take a left back there, looks like a good road though, lots of trees and no cars - I should pee here but where? Man, smells like rainy trees, I need to write about this smell at some point but what can I say to describe rainy tree smell? Sometimes you just gotta go out for a walk in the rain to smell rainy tree smell hey rain cover, let's put on the music now, time for some good concentrated listening - Beethoven string quartet it is, you always scroll right to him, don't you?

Ok Pat concentrate, forget about wet feet, gotta pee, ok, when you find a hidden corner - wait, start again, you weren't listening - I like the start, 123 123 hey this isn't in 4s, oh Beethoven, you trickster - hey I really gotta write down all the things I listen for, how I listen, I wonder if people would care to read it who cares, it's a good exercise and even if nobody reads or listens it's still worth it. This is so good, so involving, deep, I wish people would put in the effort, how many times can I say it? You're gonna wear people out with it Pat, gotta calm down and not scare them away so how do i do it in a way that's engaging? The music itself is engaging, you just have to show them how to listen and Beethoven will take it from there hey my trip and blog writing is kinda like Beethoven's work output, early middle late period, the early period was full of details and a little more stuck in a certain style, middle is heroic and full of bigger more meaningful works, posts get longer, then my late period should really be amazing, one powerhouse after the other, lots of different approaches in style, more about ideas and impressions rather than step by step descriptions yeah but the who the sam hell am I to compare any of the crap I put on paper to Beethoven? Well whatever the case, I gotta put down the analysis on paper, but what examples to use? How about this quartet, seems interesting enough but early Beethoven so close enough to classical period, easier to absorb and understand, ok but now I've lost concentration, start again.

[6 minutes of concentrated listening]

Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, this place will have to do, pretend like you're looking at the pretty olive grove, back to the road, no sense trying to hide, you have a huge blue plastic bag on your back ahhhhhhhahhhhhahhh - shit, car, is it the Carabinieri? What a horrible way to get myself kicked out of Italy, no just a normal car - why is it that there were no cars for the last half hour, then one in 30 seconds of peeing - yup, there's a second car, never fails, oh well too late now, just hope this isn't their olive grove much better, how did I need to pee so badly when I haven't drunk - or is it drank, never get that one right - any water? Osmosis through my feet, haha. Wow I'm cold oh no gotta start the quartet again, lost concentration

[25 minutes of quasi-concentrated listening]

Yep, gotta remember this, perfect beginning piece haven't listened like that in a long time, where have I been all these years - hey! Gershwin, now there's a great composer - is it just my perception or has my head been in the sand for this long? time to renew this hey what the hell is that? an octopus roadkill - now that's a new one how did it get here? Flood, no someone threw it off the truck I bet but why? looks good to me, still fresh, car, car, move over ha I wonder what they think with me staring down at the road, they probably don't even see octopus roadkill, just some weirdo I wonder if that guy who crossed Europe on 1€ a day and ate roadkill would've braved this one well if you can eat mangled cat with intestines pouring out then this is probably a delicacy, how the hell could he do it, how did he know what to eat, the smell test? Man, he can have all the acclaim and attention he wants for that one, no freaking way I'm eating octopus roadkill. Man Italians litter all the time, even octopi, but hey it's pretty clean here, I can enjoy the greenery - it's fall here, that's for sure, look at all the leaves and dead flowers, seed shells, what kind of tree is this? Gotta learn the tree names but how and with what time? God how little I know when it comes down to it. This is fall, eh, I wonder how many people stop to see the fallen leaves, to realize that these trees are alive, follow a process, and are happy for all this rain. Well, I'm happy if you're happy, tree, but I wonder if you roots are as thoroughly soaked and swollen as mine are?

Crossroad, turn right, any cars, yep, smile for them, what are you looking at, can't a guy take a walk during a violent downpour? Looks warm and dry in there, keep smiling, Pat, you've given them something to talk about at lunch, if they even saw you, who knows, people can be so oblivious, so robotic - when's the last time you walked in the rain besides this walk anyways?

My right shoulder hurts, why didn't my physical therapist respond, gotta remember to follow up when I get to internet, gosh hope it doesn't stay like this forever, take a deep breath Pat, time to learn good posture it's your fault it hurts from your stooping, for overpacking, no sense bitching, people have worse problems, stand up straight now, keep walking - I'm hungry gotta find food, but where the hell am I? 4.6 miles to town, that's 1 hour 32 minutes at 3/hour. I'm going more like 3.5 though so more like 1 hour 20 something minutes, well let's hope you find something open, you know how these Calabresi are with their lunch hours. Any orange trees near the road - none yet, keep going and you're bound to find something holy crap look at that, this is a serious flood I've walked into, all this muddy rain water must pollute the sea - I mean this swollen river's really moving. I don't think this is an ordinary day. And here I am walking through it, with giant holes in my shoes I'm cold just think of the soldiers who invaded Russia with cardboard boots, this is a walk in the park - they should make all the top brass and politicians walk in extreme conditions with poor equipment not to make them suffer but so they realize how much it influences morale. it makes all the difference in weather like this car, good thing to realize in understanding war Pat, and also accepting the fact that your morale is low well at least my jacket and pants and backpack cover keep the rain out atta boy think positive.

Am I crazy? Have I gone crazy? I feel very separate from society, and am certain people would call me crazy if they forced me to talk right now. Maybe I am crazy or maybe they're closed minded, a little from column A, little from Column B is this whole walk idea crazy? Ha how many times have they called me crazy on this trip, but people call things like this crazy when they don't see themselves capable of undertaking them aha! but that's just what a crazy person would say, but doesn't my accepting the possibility of being crazy exclude me from being crazy? and who has the crazy-o-meter anyways, to tell me I'm crazy - and how can you judge crazy in one encounter? I would only talk in abstract terms if I met someone, to hell with small talk, if I meet someone I'm going straight for the jugular hey look that farm is completely flooded what a disaster what can I do to help look at these people gaping at this poor guy as he surveys the damage maybe I can help "la posso aiutare?" Yeah he's right, nothing I can do anyways, the water's past his knees and the rain's not letting up. Well no use just standing there watching him helpless and miserable like all these people, never stop to look at a car wreck or someone else's misfortune, what a sick thing it is when you think about it why do we have the strong instinct to see explosions and disasters, why does work stop in an office when we hear a car crash, I don't think it's out of sympathy or concern but because we secretly, subconsciously delight in others' misfortune, that Lost in the Cosmos author was right. Well I can't avoid the impulse to look, but I can control that impulse, truly desire to help and move on when there's nothing to be done, still a picture is in order to catalogue the event, but does that make me a hypocrite? I know I wouldn't take a picture of a car crash, I didn't back in Gaeta so maybe when it's a natural disaster and no human lives are in danger it's okay or is that justification to keep me from feeling like a hypocrite? Well you moved on, offered to help, and wanted to remember the disaster because you walked right through it, I don't think that comes from that impulse to see other's misfortune but rather to celebrate my own perseverance in walking - beware the sin of pride Pat.

My feet are really swollen I wonder if I'll lose toenails, stand up straight, hip forward, feel the abs and upper thighs, how much left till lunch I'm hungry should I put on music no I'm almost there and no sense risking the Zune in this rain you're so lucky, so far only having lost a camera just don't push your luck the Zune and the GPS are the most important. How much left till town 3.2 so a bit less than an hour if I don't stop to take take pictures what time is it okay start now now get to town in less than one hour, go.

This is a nice road, lots of trees, but it doesn't look as good as - car, move to the left, avoid the puddle, big step now to that shallow spot - it does from above, views are always nicer than being in the midst of the land, but then again views always make me want to walk through what I'm seeing. When will you be truly satisfied, when will you find your pastoral landscape well you already did in Valle d'Aosta, but even then that did not feel complete, but I guess that's what makes explorers explorers, there's always another hill, a different trail, a different time of the year to see something, I wanna keep exploring, even when I reach Trapani just keep going, give up everything and just go on and on - you can't no money, responsibility to family, and it's gotta end sometime, Pat, you can't just keep going and going forever, fine but why so soon? How can I get paid for this without having to sell out, beg for money, or be forced to self-promote? You can't, something's gotta give, or you just have to stop, like you set out to do before. Fine, but then what's next - Pat stop it, no use rehashing this, no amount of thinking will prepare you further, enjoy your freedom but no I want to think about it dammit, so what's next, how can I go back to a desk and computer, how can I fit back into society now? You'll do it, you've always done it, get right back into it, humans are adaptable, but will you be this happy? No. That's the question car move to the left avoid the puddle, that was close, look up again, remember to look at the trees and the farms and the buildings, what does rain sound like don't just look down at puddles all day or you'll miss what's around you. Oop, there's the shoulder pain again, stand up straight, tighten the hip belt, upper-lower shoulder straps, that's a bit better, readjust, I'm hungry, how much left, 2.2 miles at 3.5 is around 40 minutes, a bit less, no orange trees, I miss blackberries car behind, sounds like a truck, right again, another skill to put on the resume, haha - what kind of job will I do not again Pat get over it, enjoy this while you can.